Just Breathe
by roza m belicova
Summary: One shot set somewhere in the Bloodlines series. Lissa is overwhelmed juggling her queenly duties and college, and spirit isn't doing her any favors. When she has a break down in her office will anyone be there to save her? Or will she slip back into her old habits? Rated M for swearing and self-harm mentions. If you don't like, please don't read.


Hey guys, happy pride month to any LBGT+ readers that I might have. Shout out to all of you lovely people. Here's another one shot for y'all. I know most of my readers are total Romitri shippers but I hope you'll enjoy this one and leave me some reviews anyway because I really needed to write this. Because, you know, sometimes life is shit and you just got to write some damn angst.

I don't own VA and you shouldn't read this if you're uncomfortable with self-harm mentions

Just Breathe.

Usually, I had my shit together enough that the stack of papers that greeted me as I walked into my office or dorm room didn't make me want to scream. Usually I could handle life as a college student as well as life as the queen of a race of peaceful, very much alive vampires, and our half vampire half human guardians, quite well. But today, everything was exhausting.

I didn't want to deal with any of it. I had somehow made myself get through most of the pile of weekly reports, but the stack of homework that I'd brought back to court with me which sat untouched on my desk still remained, and so did the council meeting that I had to get to. My head was pounding, my chest was tight-and what was I thinking? What the hell made me think that I could joggle college as well as being queen? Of course, I couldn't do it!

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I was just tired. These past couple weeks had been hell, both at the school front as well as the queenly front. This was the first time I had been back at court in weeks, and as could be imagined, my people weren't taking too well to that. Those who apposed my rule said I was letting other things get in the way of me taking care of my subjects. A voice in the back of my mind said they were right.

Groaning, I ran my hands through my hair. I could feel my hands shaking, could feel myself slipping, back to that dark place I hadn't seen in a long time. Everything was becoming too much, both parts of my life growing more and more demanding. I felt like I was drowning, damn near suffocating.

I needed some relief. A voice in the back of my mind reminded me that I knew exactly what to do to get that relief. I ignored it.

Getting to my feet, I started pacing instead. Even as the familiar sting of a razor on my skin flashed through my mind, as vividly as if I were actually dragging one across my skin, I pushed it down. I knew this was spirit's dark side, and I refused to give into it. Though if I were being honest, dragging a blade over my skin could fix this. At the very least, it would be enough to ground me.

Sighing, I walked into the bathroom to splash some water on my face because this was exactly the kind of thinking that was going to get me in trouble. I stared at my reflection in the mirror, at the tired face and into the haunted eyes. And then suddenly, they weren't my eyes anymore. They were my mother's beautiful blue ones, not the same shade of blue as Christian's, a softer kind of blue, but now they weren't as soft. They hardened with disappointment, and I could hear her voice in my head as clearly as if she were standing there in front of me.

"What do you think you're doing Vasilisa? Why do you think you can be queen while going to college? You aren't strong enough for that. You're going to lose your thrown." Then those eyes changed again, to my father's jade eyes so much like mine.

"She's right you know. You're going to lose your thrown and your sister. You can't protect either one of them." Andre's voice came next. "You failed Lis, I expected better from you."

I sank to the ground, pulling my knees up to my chest. Their words echoed in my head as I rocked back and forth, my hands balled so tightly into fists that my nails dug into my palms. Not hard enough to mark, but hard enough that the sting brought me out of my head and I noticed the tears running down my face. Was that really how they felt about me? If they were here right now, would they really say those things?

The urge to cut grew stronger at the idea that I had disappointed my family. I had only ever wanted them to be proud of me, but I had failed. I had failed Jill too. Did I really think that sending her off to live in the human world would keep her safe? I was an idiot. Hell, I was more than a damn idiot. I sent my sister, a vampire to live in the middle of a fucking desert. What the fuck kind of person was I?

I scrambled to my feet, sending things toppling to the floor as I desperately looked for a razor or anything sharp. Disappointment, failure. My hand closed around a blade and I was prepared to drag it across my arm. I had to do it, I needed to make this feeling go away. I would drown in it if I didn't, it would crush my lungs. It would drag me so far under that I wasn't sure I would ever be able to find my way back.

I pressed it to my skin, not hard enough to cut yet. An involuntary shudder which I despised shot through my body and, for a second, I couldn't help but wonder if that was how addicts felt when they relapsed. Somewhere in the chaos that was my head, a tiny part of me said that I was stronger. It said that I didn't have to do this, but it was quickly overshadowed by the negativity.

I was a failure. I couldn't even get through college. Hell, I couldn't even have a relationship with my sister who wanted nothing else, much less govern our world. My hand shook, but I pressed the blade harder against my skin.

And then the door flew open. It slammed against the wall so hard that I jumped. The razor flew out of my hand and clattered to the ground. Cristian was suddenly in front of me.

"What are you doing?" He asked. He reached for my hand and I jerked away from him, tears streaming down my face. I stared at the ground. He was one more person I had disappointed. One more person who had believed in me and I had failed him.

"Baby," He said softly. "Look at me." There was something in his voice, probably the lack of anger, that made me do as he asked, and the look in his eyes had me full on sobbing. This time when he reached for me, I didn't pull away. I let him gather me to his chest, let him hold me as I cried.

"I'm sorry," I gasped out between sobs. "I-I didn't mean to." Christian only held me tighter, his lips pressing gently to my head as he carried me out of the bathroom.

"Baby, relax. It's ok." He said softly rubbing my back. "Calm down for me."

"I-I can't," I said shaking in his arms. He pulled me in closer, held me tighter against his chest. "I can't breathe."

"You can baby girl," He said, rubbing slow circles into my back. "Slow, deep breaths for me. I listened to the sound of his voice, the steady sound of his heartbeat beneath my ear, and slowly tried to do as he said. I relaxed my grip on his shirt, and tried to slow my breathing. That wasn't working out so well, however. I felt like I couldn't get enough air in and I just ended up gasping. The fact that I was sobbing probably didn't help matters any.

"Easy love," He said soothingly, his fingers gently running through my hair. "Slowly inhale," I did as he said taking in a shuddering breath. "Good girl. Now exhale for me. Good sweetheart now do it again, in and out, nice and slow for me." He placed my hand on his chest, letting me feel him doing exactly what he was telling me.

It took a few seconds, but my sobs slowly subsided, my breathing returning to normal and the tightness in my chest easing with his guidance. My body relaxed against his, but I couldn't stop the tears from running down my face. The words of my family, the looks of utter disappointment that I had seen in their eyes kept flashing in my mind's eye, like a horrible movie stuck on repeat or you know the roller-coaster ride at the amusement park that just wouldn't stop no matter how much you screamed and pleaded for it to.

I knew none of it had been real, but what if it was? What if that was how they felt about me? The idea of my family feeling that way about me hurt so badly it was a physical ache in my chest. I very nearly would have worked myself into another panic if Christian hadn't spoken.

"Tell me what's going on in that beautiful mind love." He said gently tilting my face up so that I looked up at him. I shook my head, finding it oddly difficult to look into his eyes, but he wasn't having any of that. "I can't help you if you don't let me in sweetheart."

"I just-why are you being so calm? Aren't you mad at me?" I asked softly. Christian shook his head, his fingers gently brushing my tears away as if they were as precious as diamonds. "Why not?"

"Because I know you've been overwhelmed," He said. "Rose told me how much you've been working lately and I saw the exhaustion in your eyes the second you came back."

"But I almost cut," I said. "You and Rose don't like it when I do that." Hell, I didn't like it when I did that. It made me feel weak, like I was a teenager again back at St. Vladimir's.

"But you didn't," He said taking my hand to show me that I had in fact not. I shrugged, knowing the only reason why the blade hadn't broken my skin was because he had come in at the right time. "But tell me what happened. Tell me why you felt the need to cut again Liss you've been doing so well." I sighed and closed my eyes, leaning into Christian as I told him everything.

"Baby, look at me. Your parents aren't disappointed in you. They are proud." He said looking into my eyes.

"How do you know that?" I asked and hated the vulnerability I heard in my voice. I hated how something that wasn't even real left me feeling so insecure.

"Because I was close to them too," Rose's voice suddenly said. I looked up to find her casually walking in. "And they both adored you Liss so did Andre. They could never be disappointed in you."

"She's right," Christian said. "How could they? Look at all of the amazing things you have done." I shrugged and Rose was suddenly right in front of me.

"  
"Don't do that." She said. "Don't just shrug it off Liss. Dhampirs have better rights and are more respected because of you. You have given everyone a voice, not just the royals like others before you have done. Royal moroi aren't as apposed to fighting for themselves using their magic as they use to be. You're almost ready to bring Jill home. Don't act like all the amazing things you have done doesn't matter."

"She's right Liss." Christian said. "You're a great queen. You're fair. You're just. You really care about your people. You have done great things and you will continue to do great things."

"See?" Rose said. "Even Pyro agrees. When does that ever happen? Your boyfriend has finally gotten some smarts Liss."

"Excuse me?" Christian said. "Rosie is the one who's gotten some smarts."

"Don't call me that." Rose said. "Liss tell him not to call me that." I rolled my eyes at their antics.

"Ok, ok stop you two." I said and smiled a bit.

"Is that a smile?" Christian asked. "Awe you are beautiful." He kissed me all over my face and I couldn't help but giggle. Motivated, he started tickling me. I shrieked and scrambled out of his arms. Then, I sighed.

"We've got a council meeting to get to, don't we?" I asked. Rose shook her head.

"No," She said. "I told them we'll reschedule because her majesty isn't feeling well."

"What? Rose, that was an important meeting. You can't just go around rescheduling my meetings." I grumbled looking at her.

"Oh, but I can." She said. "I'm your guardian and your best friend. That means I can step in when you're having a bad day. Also, your schedule has been cleared for the rest of the day too."

"Rose you what?" I wanted to be mad or even slightly annoyed, but I couldn't do it. A weight slid off my shoulders at the knowledge that I didn't have anything to do for the rest of the day. "Um I mean thank you." I said when she gave me a look.

"That's what I thought." She said getting up. "Now relax. Get some rest. Have some orgasms. What they're good at relieving stress you know." She said when Christian and I just stared. "Well they are. Try it you'll see." With that she just walked out the door.

"Damn," I said staring after her. "She's too much sometimes." Christian chuckled as he walked over to me.

"True," He said taking my hands in his guiding me backward until my back hit the wall. "But she was right about the orgasm thing you know." His body pressed me up against the wall and I gasped. "Let me show you." He said against my skin. And as his lips found home in my neck, his hands slipping up under my shirt to caress my skin, I lost all coherent thought. I forgot about everything except for him.

So, thoughts guys? Let me know how y'all felt about this. I hope it didn't suck as much as I feel like it might XD. Review lovelies. Also if anyone is going through anything right now, I just want y'all to know that it's going to be ok. Whatever is wrong right now isn't going to be wrong forever. This too shall pass.

XXX

Roza


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